Reflection

Our lives changed drastically a year ago today. I was going to my 33 week OB appointment. Luckily it was a late appointment so Kyle was able to come. I can still remember being a little nervous going in, I wasn't really sure why. I can remember my doctor saying let's just do an ultrasound just to check everything. I can remember a very strong feeling that even though I wasn't having any strong contractions I should have him "check" me. I remember walking out of the building feeling like I was walking in the clouds.
My baby was measuring 5-6 weeks early, I was dilated to a 3 and he was going to be coming early. I remember calling one of our good friends who had had a baby at 33 weeks. I specifically remember asking her through tears "I need you to tell me it is going to be okay if I have my baby early at 33 weeks." I can remember going back to the Doctor 2 days later. Before we left Kyle said "let me just change before we go in case we have to go to the hospital". I clearly said "Babe, don't worry about it, there is no way we are going to the hospital." An hour later Kyle was speeding down the highway at 85 miles an hour as I was dilated to a 6 1/2 and we had to go to Utah Valley hospital.
I can remember a neonataligist coming in at about 9 PM at night to tell us what to expect when our baby was born. The whole time as he talked about ventilators and a long list of problems I kept thinking, "this is not happening to us, things like this do not happen to us." I told myself over and over, it will be fine. He is measuring big. He will be a big baby so he has that in his favor, we will be here for a few days maybe a week and then be on our way.
When he came out an they held him up all I remember was he was so blue and I could not hold my baby. I only got to see him for a few seconds before he was rushed away. I remember being pushed back into my labor and delivery room from the c-section/recitation room. I remember laying in the room alone, all alone. There was no baby, I felt so alone as tears streamed down my face..
Sadly I remember the first time I was able to see him. There were so many tubes and machines around him. They had him completely covered, they were putting an IV in through his tiny perfect head.
I remember driving home with Kyle, all alone, no baby in the car. I tried to keep it together, I tried to be strong, but my heart was breaking inside. I had to be happy for my kids at home, my heart was at the hospital but I was needed as a mother at home.
I remember all of the phone calls from the neonataligist: he had Pneumonia, they needed to switch to a stronger ventilator, and they needed to do some genetic tests. He need an MRI of his spine, he need an MRI of his brain, and he was having some heart problems. I can still remember very vividly the call when the Doctor asked if I was coming into the hosptial soon. He said he needed to talk to us in person... they were concerned about brain damage. I remember every single phone call like it was yesterday.
I still can't hear the song "Hey Soul Sister" by train. It was my ringtone at the time and every time my phone rang I got really nervous. I would get a pit in the stomach when the phone rang. What were they going to say today.
I can remember the first time I held him in my arms. He felt like he was suppose to never leave my arms. I was so scared while I was holding him, I felt like he would break into a million pieces.
I can remember getting a message from my mom as I walked into the hospital wishing me a happy birthday. She said " I know you are not getting the present you want and McKay is still in the hospital, but I hope you have a Happy Birthday." I sat in the lobby and cried for a few minutes before I went up to the NICU.
I remember dropping my kids off at various houses every day. I felt so guilty and bad and I cried after I left each house. I can remember Kyle calling me one day at the hospital and saying " You need to come home, your kids miss you and need you." I can remember feeling torn between two worlds.
I remember coming home from the hospital one day towards the end of his NICU stay, McKay was going to be coming home soon. But not in the way I expected.
I remember walking in the door and my mother in law was there. I told her everything that I would have to do while he was home: oxygen, feeding tubes, pumping, weighing's, and 5 different medications 3 times a day. I cried to her "I don't know how I am going to do it and take care of my other kids." I remember her telling me, she didn't know either. But we were going to do it and we were going to figure it out.
I remember driving home with McKay in the backseat. I turned off the radio so it was silent. I just listened to him breath the whole way home. I was so excited, but so incredibly scared.

We survived though. I was talking to someone yesterday at church and she asked how McKay was going. I told her he was doing pretty good and turned a year this week. She said "what a milestone." For some reason this struck me hard. It is true though, we made it a year. We survived the HARDEST year of our lives.
We survived over 35 doctor appointments since he came home in March.
We survived the hospital and ER a few times.
We survived the medical bills totaling over $400,000. (Thank heavens for insurance!)
We survived all of the bumps with McKay, very large and very small.
As I sit here are write the thoughts I have been thinking about for the last week tears pour down my face. I can't believe it has been a year. I wouldn't change a single thing about my beautiful baby. He truly is a blessing from Heaven above. When I hold him in my arms I feel so close to my Father in Heaven, I truly know he is a chosen spirit. We are blessed to have him in our lives. He has brought more joy and happiness and love then I ever thought possible.